Never Published.

Amherst, MA— Tuesday night, police responded to what seemed to be routine noise complaint call. Little did they know of the severity of the offense they were about to uncover.

The police opened the door to find three students snorting cocaine and engaging in illicit sexual activities with six underage girls (there are also rumors of one underage poodle though no hard evidence is present at the moment). Upon further investigation the officers found four unlicensed kegs, ingredients for a pipe bomb, and silverware stolen from Val. However, the real shocker didn’t come until an officer entered a student’s room, only to find him writing a history paper without proper citations.

“I feel really bad for the kid” commented Officer Orton, “He and his friends seem like really great kids, they had a great future, and they had to throw it all away for plagiarism.”

The Amherst Town SWAT team was immediately called in, and after a 16 minute standoff (in which the student insisted he wouldn’t come out until he finished using spell check) his door was busted down, he was mauled by SWAT dogs, and hauled off to the Hampshire County Jail.

His Class Dean commented, “Its about time that students learn that plagiarism doesn’t pay”

Students have begun to reassess the consequences of plagiarism. The perpetrator’s roommate, Eric, comments “Damn, I gotta rethink the way I spend my time at Amherst. Instead of smoking weed and sexually harassing Smithies, I should spend more time making sure to properly cite my sources.”

The student will receive severe punishment for his egregious offense. He has been suspended for one semester and placed at the bottom of Room Draw. (It should be noted that he will still be allowed to run for AAS President.) He must take an extended workshop on citation at the writing center, undergo drug and alcohol counseling as well as sensitivity training. He was also sentenced to 30 posts of ridicule on the Daily Jolt, most of which will falsely accuse him of being ‘fucking racist bigoted piece of shit faggot racist’ because he voted against the giving the Korean Student Alliance funding for ramen noodles while seated on the Budgetary committee. Despite all these punishments, most agree, justice has not been served.