The January transfer window is almost upon us. All across Europe, journalists are sharpening their pens ready to report on the barest hint of rumor, common sense and fact-checking be damned. But what do the buying clubs really want? Below, in no particular order you’ll find a handy list of the real transfer targets for the clubs that promise to be active during the window.

Manchester City:

-Gianluigi Buffon

-Kaka

-Spain’s Euro 2008 squad

-A time machine

-Pele

-Eusebio

-Franz Beckenbauer

-Instant gratification

- A pretty, pretty pony

Real Madrid

-Any and all players under long-term contracts with other clubs.

-Sporting Director

A.C. Milan

-A midfielder under the age of 35

-an extra striker

-Fountain of Youth

Arsenal

-Lassana Diarra, Mathieu Flamini or Gilberto Silva.

-Winger

-Someone, anyone who can actually play center back.

-Francophone player under the age of 7.

-The Idiot’s Guide to Preventing Late Equalizers

-A hug for Eboue

Juventus

-A Referee

Tottenham

-Sold defender Flavor-of-the-month attacking player

-Half of Portsmouth’s starting 11

-Self Respect

- New excuse for failing to qualify for Champions League. Again.  (in a pinch, last year’s will do just fine)

Newcastle

-Swear jar for Joe Kinnear

West Brom

-Strikers

-Midfielders

-Defenders

-Hope

-Good deals on hotel rooms in Southampton, Ipswich, Watford, etc for the fall.

Ajax

-Talented 17 year-old who will inevitably move to Real or Barcelona by age 21.

Chelsea

-Another central midfielder, just for the hell of it.

Fulham

-An American, any American.

Bayern Munich

-A babysitter for Landycakes