“If one is winning, we ought to help the other, and when they start winning, we ought to switch sides.”

That’s usually attributed to Harry Truman talking about the Soviet Union and Germany, but it could just as well sum up everyone’s feelings regarding the soccer catfight of the week: Alex Ferguson v. Real Madrid.

Apparently, a director of Real Madrid, did what Real Madrid directors do: stir up useless transfer controversy. He claimed that Real Madrid had signed a secret agreement with Manchester United to buy Cristiano Ronaldo at the end of the year, but that this deal was so secret that he wasn’t actually allowed to talk about it. It was also so secret that no one bothered to tell Alex Ferguson, which you’d think someone would, seeing as he’s the manager.

When informed of this alleged secret contract, Ferguson responded without losing his trademark measured, calm demeanor. Just kidding. He went through the roof: “You don’t think we’d get into a contract with that mob, do you? Jesus Christ. I wouldn’t sell them a virus. So that’s a no — there is no agreement between the clubs.” And that’s a good thing: with Real so far back in the league, no one, no one wants to know what Ramon Calderon would do with bio-weapons. He’s a desperate man (UPDATE: And now he’s got much more time on his hands). Just to be safe, don’t drink the water at Camp Nou. Of course, the Spanish press weighed in with their usual even-handedness

The problem with this is that both Real Madrid and Alex Ferguson are utterly despicable. Ferguson runs Manchester United, which is a terrible mark against his character. To top it off, he’s responsible for David Beckham, Wayne Rooney and Cristiano Ronaldo, which means that as far as all right-thinking soccer fans are concerned, death’s too good for him. Just think of a Manchester United fan you know…okay, now put down the knife…Fergie’s probably responsible for that guy becoming one of them.

Real Madrid. Where to start? They’re sort of like the Dallas Cowboys, but less fascist-y. I think we all know about Franco and all that, so I’ll just bring up their sordid history of transfers. You may have heard of Alfredo di Stefano, the greatest player in Real’s history.  He was supposed to sign for Barcelona, but he had to switch flights in Madrid, where he was, uh, “convinced” that he’d be much happier at Real. The whole thing makes Chelski’s signing of Ashley Cole look like a Dr. Seuss book. Later on, Real completely broke the transfer market (and gave hope to sketchy oligarchs and oil sheiks everywhere) for good with their “galaticos” project. Under Chairman Ramon Calderon, in recent years, they’ve done their damnedest to ensure that they’re publicly linked with every single player under the sun (including our Cesc Fabregas), because unsettling other teams’ players doesn’t count when you’re Los Merengues.

To make matters worse, they’re going to handbags over the most embarrassing excuse for a footballer Europe has to offer. Yes, he’s very good at stepovers, but we have to balance that against him being diver and an all-around cheat. Why couldn’t this be about a more worthwhile player, like Kasey Keller? In the end, I think we have to split the baby in half (Lord, find me a hacksaw large enough) Ronaldo needs to leave ManU, to someone other than Real Madrid. The thought of seeing either come out of this spat happy makes me feel queasy.