If you’ve watched this year’s World Series, you’ve heard broadcasters wax eloquently on the reputation of Philadelphia fans as the toughest, nastiest fans in sports. You hear the same stories over and over again: Philly fans booed Snata Claus, they booed Michael Irvin when he injured his neck, they threw iceballs at referees, etc. Well, if Philadelphia has the most unpleasant fans in the world, what do we say about Glasgow?

Ah, Glasgow. The Old Firm. A city divided between Celtic and Rangers, Catholic and Protestant, Unionist and Republican, between generally unpleasant and out of their fucking minds. Yes, they’re singing exactly what you think they’re singing. It’s the new hit at Rangers matches: “The Famine Song.” But what you heard was just the chorus; this song has four verses of chocolatey sectarian goodness (If you have no idea what the hell I’m talking about, you might want to take a look here before you continue).

Let’s dive deeper into this song, FJM style:

First, here’s the link to the video. If you couldn’t tell form the last video this, uh, masterpiece is sung to the tune of “Sloop John B.” by the Beach Boys, which is a great choice for defaming Catholics and the Irish. I’d go for The Surfaris myself, but that’s neither here nor there.

The two guys in this particular video are quite a piece of work as well. I’m not up on my Unionist totems, but there’s a modified Ulster flag in the background, one of the guys uses a flute in the instrumental (apparently, it’s a big deal, just ask Paul Gascoigne). Oh, and Rangers scarves, because if you’re an anti-Irish, anti-Catholic bigot, Rangers is just the team for you.

At any rate, onto the song:

I often wonder where they would have been
If we hadn’t have taken them in
Fed them and washed them
Thousands in Glasgow alone
From Ireland they came
Brought us nothing but trouble and shame
Well the famine is over
Why don’t they go home?

You’ll notice something missing from the 1st verse: soccer. There’s no mention at all of anything concerning soccer, which you’d think would be at the forefront of a terrace song. No Rangers, no Celtic, no players, nothing. Just the Potato Famine. Which, when you think about it isn’t terribly witty, or funny…or appropriate. As for the “why don’t they go home,” well, the famine’s been over for a century and a half. Perhaps Glasgow is their home.

Here’s a thought experiment: replace “Glasgow” with New York and imagine someone singing this at a Notre Dame football game, or imagine someone singing “go back to Africa” at a NBA game, and then try imagining how amazingly quickly they’d be arrested or pummeled by the fans in their section. We have our problems in sports here in the U.S. Tolerating racist/sectarian bigots isn’t one of them.

Now Athenry Mike was a thief
And Large John he was fully briefed
And that wee traitor from Castlemilk
Turned his back on his own

Finally! Something about soccer. To the best of my knowledge, “Large John” is Jock Stein, the legendary Celtic and Scotland manager. “The wee traitor from Castlemilk” is probably Celtic winger Aiden McGeady, who chose to represent Ireland instead of Scotland in international play. Although, let’s be honest: calling someone a traitor for representing the country of a grandparent is a bit much, unless you’re talking about that traitor scum, Giuseppe Rossi (okay, okay, we shouldn’t demonize him either (yes we should!).

They’ve all their Papists in Rome
They have U2 and Bono
Well the famine is over
Why don’t they go home?

Why yes, Rome is full of “Papists.” Then again, the fact the Rome has Catholics hardly explains why Celtic fans should go back to Ireland. On the other hand, the second point is excellent. U2 does suck, and Bono is terribly annoying. I fully suppoer U2 going home and never being allowed out.

Now they raped and fondled their kids
That’s what those perverts from the darkside did
And they swept it under the carpet
and Large John he hid

No wonder Celtic’s been better than Rangers for the past few years; they’ve got Sith lords on the roster! You should see the spin Darth Maul can put on a free kick. Someone will also have to explain to me what exactly Jock Stein had to do with the current pedophile unpleasantness in the catholic church. He was protestant, and died in 1985.

Their evils seeds have been sown
Cause they’re not of our own
Well the famine is over
Why don’t you go home?

Okay…this part is just ugly. I suppose these guys are voting BNP in the next elections.

Now Timmy don’t take it from me
Cause if you know your history
You’ve persecuted thousands of people
In Ireland alone
You turned on the lights
Fuelled U boats by night
That’s how you repay us
It’s time to go home.

Well, the IRA are a nasty bunch, but the kettle called, and he’d like an apology. The U-boat thing is just strange. You see, it didn’t actually happen. In World War I, there were, you know, British soldiers in Ireland, and while U-boats did drop off spies and provocateurs it’s not like they were invited. In the Second, Ireland was neutral, not “refuel U-boats” neutral (*cough* Spain *cough*), actually neutral.

As you can imagine, this song has caused a great deal of controversy since ‘Gers fans rolled it out earlier this season. Celtic has, for some reason, called for sanctions against Rangers, the BBC and some newspapers have taken note. Surprisingly enough, Rangers fans have tried to defend the use of this song, which must be pretty difficult to pull off, although it’s quite funny when they try.