It’s official. Andriy Shevchenko has returned to A.C. Milan. I could say something coherent about how this affects the Milan offense, but there are real soccer websites for that. By far the best player the independent Ukraine has produced, Shevchenko is a man of many achievements: Serie A top scorer, Champions League and Scudetto winner, European player of the year, 60 million-dollar-man, Premier League white elephant and now, Rossoneri prodigal son. But there is one, lesser-known title we can hitch to the Ukrainian striker: Soccer’s Bo Jackson. Not this one…this one.

If you had walked into South during the 05/06 academic year, you would have heard two things in the common room most nights. One, overheard most often near important academic deadlines was: “You can’t do that in real life! What the hell happened to my defense?” The usual response was: “it’s just a game, Mr. Prime Minister, hand the controller to the next guy” (you either understand it, or you don’t. It’s a loooong story). When you heard the first bit, it could only mean one thing: someone had been Shevchenkoed.

For those of you who haven’t played it, Winning Eleven 9/ Pro Evolution 5 is one of the best soccer video games ever made. I could go on and on about it, but suffice it to say that it had the three most important attributes of a good soccer simulation: eurotrash techno music in the menus, player attributes provided by the folks behind Football Manager and most importantly, almost no actual licenses (there’s no rivalry like West Midlands Village vs. West Midlands City!). Standing head and shoulders above the rest of the game was Jan Koller A.C. Milan. Imagine a cannonball covered in razorblades, and you’re beginning to understand the pure, uncut awesome that was Milan.

Yes, the defense was impregnable (one especially creative person, who shall remain unnamed, nicknamed it “the Great Wall of Milan”), yes the midfield was nice, but one thing set Milan apart from other strong teams: Andriy Shevchenko. The team might have been a cannonball, but the digital Shevchenko was a buzzsaw leaving a trail of defenders in his wake. Long, short, one touch, mazy run, it didn’t matter. If Shevchenko had the ball in the opponents half with space, then it was a goal, no questions asked. With apologies to Steve Sabol and John Facenda, the real “Autumn Wind” is Andriy motherf*ing Shevchenko. Just like Tecmo Bo, there was no stopping Sheva. Sure, you could tell your entire defense to mark him, but then Inzaghi would score, and there’s nothing worse than seeing that no-talent scavenger score.

We all know what happened after that brief moment in the sun. Just like insufferable hipster scum say about Arrested Development, the A.C. Milan juggernaut was gone too soon. Sheva moved to the Premier League and sucked. A.C. Milan (despite their Champions League victory) has been less than stellar in Serie A and the Winning Eleven/Pro Evo series has descended into a Madden-like vortex of suck.

And now the man, the legend is back in the San Siro. He may  have been too slow for the Premier League, but he’s not too slow for catennacio.  The Serie A rest home for aging veterans has a new member, and he wants Alexandre Pato to stay off his damn pitch. Since Konami is too cheap to really change attributes around every year, there’s a good chance that Milan might be able to recapture the cannonball magic (on the screen. In real life, they’re, at best, the 4th strongest Serie A team). Whenever the new Pro Ev comes out in the States (last year, it came out in February), make sure you get to take a look. And if Milan is a shadow of its former, virtual self, say a brief prayer of thanksgiving, and beat the hell out of your friends. I know I will.

-Ryan