As you might have gathered from earlier posts, I’m a wee bit of a San Francisco 49ers fan. Not only are the 49ers the only good thing about San Francisco (Why yes, I am from Oakland…how could you tell?), but they invented the West Coast Offense. How cool is that? I have a disturbing tendency to remember dates based on football games (i.e. “that wedding we went to the day Hearst broke that 97-yard run in overtime against the Jets”). When I was younger, I even skipped out on Sunday School classes that conflicted with home games (Have you seen Jesus hit Rice on the quick slant? Didn’t think so…He’s obviously busy with Notre Dame on fall weekends). Hell, the worst day of my life might be the 1st Sunday where I didn’t see them play.  (Week 1 of the 2005 season…not coincidentally my first week on campus).
Surprisingly enough, some people think I’ve got a problem. To which I reply, “hell yes! They haven’t won a Super Bowl since 1995!” In the end, the 49ers are a metaphor for life. There’s good (us), evil (the Cowboys), triumph (5 Super Bowls, the 1998 Wild Card game against the Packers), tragedy (losing to the Falcons, the Falcons, the very next week, blowing that lead against the Lions in the ‘57 playoffs), and even humor (Rod Woodson’s defending during his one year in the Red and Gold).  And just like any normal life, the 49ers have turned to shit around age 60.

But this is no ordinary funk. In the last eight years, the 49ers lost more games than they lost in between 1981 and 1998. For those of you who don’t follow the NFL, that’s a bad thing. Secondly, our quarterbacks have sucked, an unforgivable sin. Those of you from less blessed areas might not understand this, but to be quarterback of the 49ers is to stand on the shoulders of giants. Centerfield for the Yankees? Pffft. No. 10 for Brazil? Whatever. Penn State Linebacker? Eat my shorts. Romanian gymnast? Not really a sport. Canadiens forward? No one cares aboot hockey, you Quebecois bastards. Those of you unlucky enough to hail from somewhere other than the Bay Area might not understand this, but it is a truth nonetheless:  there is no position in team sports with a greater tradition of excellence than quarterback of the San Francisco 49ers.

It is like a list of Old Testament patriarchs (without, you know, the rape and genocide and stuff), a chain stretching almost unbroken to the founding of the franchise in the old AAFC: Frankie Albert begat Y.A. Tittle (who is totally more of a Niner than Giant…up yours East Coast Bias), who begat John Brodie, who begat Joe Montana, who begat Steve Young (if you need a link for either of the last two, you need to find another website to read), who begat Jeff Garcia, who begat J.T. O’Sullivan. Wait, what? Who? Doesn’t he write for the Atlantic Monthly? Well at least he’s a proven player, right? Oh shit. This can’t be happening.

J.T. O’Sullivan is our starting quarterback? What the hell is this? The Chicago Bears? We don’t expect greatness from our team but damnit, we do expect competent play under center. Is that really all that much to ask? It’s not like he’s some sort of diamond in the rough. No, he just sucks. There are dozens of quarterbacks better than him. After all,there’s a reason he’s thrown 26 passes in six seasons. He wasn’t stuck behind hall of famers…he was stuck behind John Kitna. There’s a chance that he’s some sort of hidden diamond in the rough, but to be frank, I wouldn’t trust the current ‘niners “brain-trust” to find talent at the Pro Bowl, and I certainly  wouldn’t trust them around sharp objects.  I get that he’s the only quarterback on the team that’s grasped Mike Martz’s gadget scheme  (short version: F**k it, I’m going deep), but if only one quarterback can understand the OC’s system, then the OC has pretty much failed at his job. When you’ve outsmarted the defense and your offense, you’re doing it wrong.

We’re in year six of rebuilding. By then, stuff should be rebuilt. There should be walls, and ceiling and things. Not necessarily wallpaper and tasteful bathroom fixtures, but you should know what the final shape looks like. We’re pretty much the Frauenkirche of the NFL at this point, but instead of the RAF, our team was razed by sheer incompetence. The team released Garcia after the 2003 season because he was washed up. Oh, right. The team drafted Alex Smith to save the franchise? I’d link to his stats, but then I’d have to gouge my eyes out with a ballpoint. Sure the defense is pretty good, but the offense is so bad that it’s made the defense bad, like some sort of Cardinals-like vortex of suck. Sure, they’re decent in points per possession, but when your offense goes 3 and out every drive, there’s a lot of possessions to defend.

Are we doomed to wander in the desert of 5-11 seasons looking for the next franchise quarterback (I just realized that the metaphor makes Alex Smith the golden calf…I like it!)? If that team on the other side of the Bay (well, actually the same side, from my perspective. I’m confused.) has a better quarterback than the 49ers…I think the world’s gonna end, or something. For almost my entire life, that’s been crazy talk, like the idea of the Arsenal losing to Fulham (no, no, the saying is “1-nil to the Arsenal” not “the Fulham”). Let this be a warning: if JaMarcus Russell has a better year than O’Sullivan (and he will), I can tell you the Bay Area forecast: frogs and locusts.

Is there hope? It’s August, there’s always hope. Where there be any hope left in two weeks? No. Your 2008 San Francisco 49ers: like donkeys led by…uh, donkeys.