The Premiership is almost upon us. Since this is a soccer blog, it is incumbent upon us to have some sort of preview post because, damnit, that’s what soccer blogs do. However, a normal preview requires looking at transfers, and hell, even knowing something about all twenty teams and a lot of writing. Frankly, that sounds like too much work, and really, nobody cares what happens to Bolton. Instead I’ve compiled my completely useless predictions in this handy mock league table.

1. Man U (could finish between 1-3). Assuming everyone stays healthy, there’s no reason why last year’s champion’s can’t repeat.

2. Chelsea (1-3). Scolari was brought in to play an attractive style of soccer, but at this point, it’s doubtful that he has the personnel for it yet.

3. Arsenal (2-5). Assuming Wenger signs another midfielder, this young squad should push Chelsea and Man U to the wire. They could also self-destruct, but August is a time for happy thoughts.

4. Aston Villa (4-7). Martin O’Neil has built a talented young squad to his own specifications, and if all goes well, they’re more than capable of snatching a Champions League spot.

5. Liverpool (4-7). Liverpool is completely lacking in overall team quality. If either Gerrard or Torres has anything but a superlative season, they’re just not good enough to finish 4th.

6. Portsmouth (5-8). Pompey is excellent going forward, but an aging defense will keep them from rising higher than 5th.

7. Everton (5-8). The Toffees have finished 5th the last two seasons, but so far, they’ve stood pat in the transfer market, while their rivals have moved ahead.

8. Tottenham (6-9). Every year, Tottenham fans and the media claim that Spurs are poised to beat out one of the “big 4″ every year, they disappoint. On paper, Tottenham’s first choice team looks good, but the cupboard in defense is bare behind King and Woodgate, and neither have a chance of playing the entire season.

9. Man City (6-10). I would put Man City higher, but strange things keep happening to them in the offseason. Thaksin Shinawatra, the owner, apparently hired “magicians” to plant power crystals underneath the pitch early this offseason. To make matters worse, he and his wife are facing corruption trials in their native Thailand, and the lion’s share of Shinawatra’s forturne has been frozen in Thai banks pending the results. On the soccer side of things, team managment has been tring to sell Vedran Corluka, Stephen Ireland and Michael Johnson behind the manager’s back. Not exactly  a recipe for sucess.

10. West Ham (10). The Hammers are a perfectly average, nondescript team that managed to spend 3/4 of last season precisely in 10th place. I see no reason why they can’t keep it up.

11. Newcastle (9-12). Newcastle’s fans seem to think that the Magpies are a big club. They’re the only ones. As usual, Newcastle has the personnel to maybe challenge for a UEFA cup spot. As usual, Newcastle will produce 3 teams’ share of WTF defending, which will hold them back.

12. Middlesbrough (11-15).  This is really not a very good team, which speaks to the lack of depth in English soccer. In Spain or Italy, this squad would be mired in a relegation scrap, but in the Premier League, they’ll coast to safe mediocrity.

13. Wigan (11-15). See: Middlesbrough.

14. Sunderland (12-16). See: Wigan.

15. West Brom (18-14). The “Arsenal of the Championship” will find out tomorrow morning that they’re not the Arsenal of the Premiership. Even so, West Brom is more than good enough to stay up.

16. Blackburn (18-13). This might seem low for a squad that finished 7th last season. Since May, however, Blackburn has lost the manager responsible for their recent success, and, in Brad Friedel and David Bentley, two of their three best players. The third, Roque Santa Cruz, has been linked to at least half of the league, and is unlikely to stay past January.

17. USMNT Fulham (19-16). Fulham has made a habit out of last minute relegation escapes, and this year should be no deviation from the pattern. They are resilient, but they’re also not very good.

18. Bolton (20-17). Without Sam Allardyce, this team was completely rudderless last year. The only difference is that last year, they had half a season of Nicholas Anelka. Take a look at Bolton’s roster, and try to figure out who the hell will score the goals. Chances are, you’ll draw a blank.

19. Stoke (20-18). Thanks for participating in the 2008/9 Premier League season. Don’t forget to pick up your parachute check on the way back to the Championship.

20. Hull City (20-19). This is Hull’s first ever season in the top flight of English soccer. This is also Hull’s first relegation campaign in the top flight.