Hate Each Other Because: Christiano Ronaldo now controls over half of the world’s hair gel supply

Key Matchup: Mario Gomez v. the Ball. Mario Gomez is turning into Euro 2008’s version of Frank Lampard: lots of shots on goal with no results. The only difference is that Fat Franky is a midfielder and Gomez is a striker, meaning that Gomez’s missed chancs aren’t coming from scorchers outside of the box, they’re coming from right next to the goal. Last game, Gomez had the ball inside of the six yard box in front of an empty net. There was only one way for him to miss the net, and he found it. Yes, Mario Gomez kicked the ball straight up.  If Gomez had sunk even half of his chances, Germany would have a more potent attack than (insert stale WWII joke here).

Match Preview: The last time these teams played each other, 3rd place in the 2006 World Cup was on the line. Germany prevailed then, but in the meantime things have changed. On the German side, Joachim Low (I don’t feel like learning how to type an umlaut) has become the new manager, although h’s suspended for this game. More importantly, Jens Lehmann’s play has regressed from “World Class” to “benched in favor of Manuel Almunia.” On the Portuguese side, Luis Figo and his chest hair of doom have retired, and Christiano Ronaldo sold his soul to the devil in exchange for the gift of stepovers.

Germany’s defense, despite only allowing two goals in the first round has looked very suspect, only being saved by the fact that Austria and Poland are utter crap. Croatia showed that a good team can capitalize off of their defensive lapses. At the front, only Lukas Podolski has scored from open play even though, going off of last year’s club form, you’d expect Klose and Gomez to score the goals, but the goals haven’t come. Of course,  to beat Portugal, Germany will have to score, because Portugal certainly will. All 5 of Portugal’s goals have come from different players, and in general, they’ve looked lively and created tons of chances. The defense has looked decent enough when called upon, although the second-stringers did allow a toothless Switzerland to score two goals.

Generally speaking, this should be, if nothing else, an exciting game. Both teams will create tons of chances, and assuming Mario Gomez is benched, both teams have players that can put the ball in the back of the net. If, if Jens Lehmann can avoid getting red carded and Ronaldo avoids diving, this game could be one of the best of the tournament.