Romania v. France

Hate Each Other Because: Eh, not actually that much hatred here.

Key Matchup: The French and Romanian rosters v. ESPN announcers. We know that they’re calling the games from a basement in Connecticut and that the color men are Tommy Smyth and Andy Gray, but damn, have some professional pride. The Poland-Germany fixture was physically painful to listen to. I always thought a prerequisite for calling a game was actually knowing how to pronounce the players’ names, but, as usual, I expected too much from the four letter network. This game’s teams present new challenges: no one has ever heard Romanian spoken before, and proper French pronunciation requires removing letters that are there and adding letters that aren’t there while sneering.

Netherlands v. Italy

Hate Each Other Because: Decades-long feud over playing styles: winning ugly versus losing beautifully.

Key Matchup: Rafael van der Vaart and Robin van Persie vs. Gianluca Zambrotta and Christian Panucci. The Dutch offensive scheme relies on incisive runs and superb crosses from their wingers. If Italy’s fullbacks can keep van der Vaart and van Persie from bombing down the wings, there’s almost no chance that the Oranje will be able to successfully attack through the middle.
Spain v. Russia

Hate Each Other Because: The Blue Division

Key Matchup: Igor Akinfeev v. Fernando Torres, David Villa, et. al. No doubt about it, Spain can attack. Enough firepower that Russia’s defense is almost irrelevant: Spain will get plenty of shots on target even against the best defense. In the end, young Akinfeev will have to make saves. Football Manager 2008 rates him highly, but FM08 also thought Valencia would be an unstoppable juggernaut.

Sweden v. Greece

Hate Each Other Because: the IKEA menace must be stopped!

Key Matchup: Otto Rehhagel v. you, me, and everyone else watching. Calling Greece a “defensively-minded” team is like saying Alex Smith “may lack the qualities necessary to be a successful NFL quarterback” Greece plays a dull, soul-crushing style of soccer that even the John Birch Society would call too conservative. While it is a pragmatic and successful solution to Greece’s main weakness, a complete lack of good players, for the neutral, it’s dull as dishwater. Totally apart from the fight on the field, this game will also feature your fight to stay awake watching Greece’s patented 10-0-0 formation.