I’ll try to have a preview of every Euro 2008 game, but I’ll probably lose interest within the week. With that said, here are previews of this weekend’s matches.

Saturday:

Switzerland v.  Czech Republic

Hate Each Other Because: can’t decide who’s teachings were more heretical, John Calvin or Jan Hus.

Matchup to watch: Philippe Senderos v. Jan Koller. They’re both slow, they’re both bald, but only one looks like a human-Pachycephalosaurus hybrid. If Senderos can keep Koller and his stratospheric cranium in check, the Swiss might be able to pull out a win. If not, this could get ugly. Koller’s club form has been spotty, but he plays well in a Czech shirt, and if he gets the ball to his head, he can still score. On the other hand, Senderos’s club form has been remarkably consistent: utter shit.

Portugal v. Turkey

Hate Each Other Because: everyone hates Christiano Ronaldo

Matchup to Watch: Nihat v. Portuguese Defense. In a perfect world, Portugal’s roster would be composed entirely out of attacking midfielders. Sadly, they’re forced to field a full squad, and despite a scheme designed to cover their back four (Portugal’s scheme includes two defense midfielders covering their back line), Portugal’s defense is their weak link. Vilarreal’s Nihat is Turkey’s best attacker, and on the counter, he has the potential to keep the score close.

Sunday:

Austria v. Croatia.

Hate Each Other Because: A Croat army helped put down the Hungarian Revolution in 1848, but they get to be the other half of the Dual Monarchy? Up yours, waltz-loving bastards.

Matchup to Watch: Austrian players v. Austrian fans. Even before the tournament started, Austrian fans put forth a petition asking Austria to withdraw from the Euros because their team just isn’t good enough to be there. More recently, clothing emblazoned with “Hosted by Losers” has been selling like hotcakes across the country. If this scoreline gets ugly, so could the fans.

Poland v. Germany
Hate Each Other Because: I have no idea. Something about Teutonic Knights, partitions, corridors and Lebensraum

Matchup to Watch: Euzebiusz Smolarek v. Per Mertesacker. Germany should win this handily, but Smolarek is Poland’s best offensive player and it will be up to Per Mertesacker and his unique brand of Charmin-soft defending (only one foul every 123 minutes in the Bundesliga) to “contain” Smolarek’s “threat.”

Bonus Fact: Thanks to a failed drug test in 2002, Smolarek is known as the “Hash Bomber.”

-Ryan