We here at Too Slow for Catennacio believe that the United States will only become a first-rate footballing nation when we pick up the key attribute of international football culture in other countries: a healthy sense of jingoistic nationalism. For us, irrational jingoism can only mean one thing (beyond that one Toby Keith song…yes Toby, nothing’s quite as American as putting a “boot in the ass” of whoever gets in our way): Tom Tancredo! With that in mind, we’ve invited professional xenophobe Congressman Tancredo (R-CO) write our preview of the upcoming USMNT-England match.
I originally turned down the opportunity to write this. Whenever I drive through our decaying, decadent cities, I never fail to see gangs of swarthy men—almost certainly illegal immigrants—playing their futbol in open spaces. Since nothing is less American than immigration, I generally try to avoid soccer. However, I called the U.S. Soccer Federation, and they assured me that they have a strict “Latino quota” policy. It seems that they’re “too good at dribbling and stuff” for the team and at any rate, they frighten Landon Donovan (ed. Seriously? The one group in this country that actually watches and plays soccer on a regular basis, and the best we can do is Michael f*ing Orozco and Carlos Bocanegra?). Since the USSF, a organization of true patriots, is at the forefront of our war against the menace from the South, I wish our boys nothing but success.

Obviously, I wish these young men were playing a more patriotic sport. Soccer hails from Europe, and of course anything from Europe smacks of decadence and knuckling-under to Islamofascism (ed. and good soccer!). I would far prefer that they play real American sports like baseball (ed. descended from cricket), basketball (ed. invented by a Canadian) or football (ed. are you kidding me !?!). On the other hand, there’s nothing more American than beating up on smaller countries, and we all remember what happened the last time we had a war with England, right? (ed. redcoats burned Washington and New England tried to secede).

Now, for the game itself. I don’t know anything about soccer, but this teenager down the street who lives down the street and plays a lot of video games assured me that the “Three Lions” are the best team in FIFA ’08 (why the hell is Wayne Rooney a 92? God only knows), whatever that means, and so we must prepare for a long, hard struggle. Just like the brave Minutemen defend our southern border from Mexican hordes, our defense must defend our net of hardworking, legal citizens from the English attack. Our offense must shock and awe the English team into submission. Just like Iraq, we will reach the goal quickly (ed. actually, in soccer, you’re not allowed to move the goalposts whenever you feel like it) and continue to occupy their territory for the remainder of the game. After all, the damn Brits haven’t had any backbone since Thatcher left office. I predict Eddie Johnson will score an early touchdown, and Clint Dempsey will allow the extra point, while England will only score a Peter Crouch field goal. That comes out to 7-3, but I’ve been told that soccer uses the metric system, so I have no idea what that looks like on the scoreboard.

Thanks Congressman!

-Ryan