On Saturday, May 3rd, 2008, the soothsayer’s grim omen became reality: Derby is the worst Premier League team in history. But we mustn’t look upon the Rams as a failure, because after all they fought a tough playoff battle last season for the third promotion slot in the Championship, no small feat given the impressive performances put on by the other three playoff competitors last season: Southampton, West Brom and Wolves. They took down West Brom, who had found high praise for the great form of Diomansy Kamara, Kevin Philips and Jason Koumas, in the promotion final with the first and only goal from now Stoke City left winger Stephen Pearson. So, I think the real reason behind Derby’s drop is not failure, because up until the certainty they were never going to come out of the drop zone, I can’t doubt that Derby’s players tried their hardest; it’s just that they just weren’t good enough. They’re in that position that Watford probably feels: too good for the Championship, too piss poor for the Premier League. It’s not a problem when you’re QPR and you’re kind of stuck in the Championship; but when you’re Derby it’s bad: those Leicester City punks are fun to fuck around with, but Bolton is an unholy terror on your defense (first time I’ve ever said Bolton has something called an offense, at least tactically). So let’s take a closer look at our dear friends in Derby.

THE PLAYERS

Just look at the typical starting XI that manager Paul Jewell puts on the field. It’s a true plethora of shit world class material. In the net is Roy Carroll, the Northern Ireland international, who hasn’t had a good season since his time with Wigan (see: 99-00 season, unbeaten for 26 games — bet they wish Heskey and Bramble could do that now). Robert Earnshaw, the Zambian Welsh international striker, stole the scene in 06-07 with Leicester, has scored maybe one goal this season for Derby. Then there’s Eddie Lewis… fuck, it’s Eddie Lewis, need I speak about somebody who was with Leeds during the 06-07 season? How about the back four of Mears / Moore / Todd / McEveley? The strongest link is Todd, who had a good spell with Blackburn before he moved to Derby but it doesn’t seem to be enough to keep goals out even by other mediocre Premier League teams. Of course, there’s Tottenham loanee and reject Hossam Ghaly, but i guess these are just completely strong Championship players in the wrong league. However, there’s an obvious weak link in the squad — one that has been a weak link in god knows how many other line-ups earlier in his career. Yes, you guessed it…

ROBBIE SAVAGE.

Oh fuck, Robbie Savage. The whore of Babylon, the man with the largest amount of yellow cards ever received in league history. Let’s not lie, he’s a funny funny man. But he plays defense like I play FIFA 08: yellow cards are a signal that you’re doing things right. It’s a lovely thing in FIFA, don’t get me wrong — but it doesn’t work in real life. And when David Dunn steals your place after you return from injury for Blackburn: oops? Guess you aren’t really worth much, Mr. Savage. Of course Savage didn’t come to Derby until winter, but does that really matter? Just the idea of Robbie Savage is parasitic, and when you sign Savage out of desperation, you know you’re fucked. SO FUCKED. Ok I’ve figured it all out, so I’ll let Paul Jewell go free.

So where did it all go wrong? Who is to blame? Eh, probably everybody. But I’m gonna blame someone in particular for the failure. Yes, you guessed it.

Robbie Savage.

 - Nathan