So what do you think of first when you think of Brazil? Football? Carnival? The fact that their president is commonly called Lula (LOL’D)?

Sure, all legitimate thoughts, but you know what I think of? Chicks with dicks. Now, don’t run away just yet; I also think of fat, lazy, drunk (or, alternatively, really christian ones) footballers too, but I think chicks with dicks are more endearing.  To the Rio culture, dickgirls (which i will refer to them from here on out — not as a degrading term but as the general reference to futanari — go wikipedia that shit if you’re confused) are like Rio’s Walt Disney World, or like weed and active euthanasia in Amsterdam, or like underage prostitutes for Chinese businessmen in Bangkok (ok it’s much more similar to this). That being said, even if you aren’t looking for a dickgirl when you pick up a ho in Rio, chances are you’re gonna get one anyways. It’s life, you know? It’s just how Rio flows. But the topic at hand isn’t dickgirls themselves, but it’s who picks ‘em up. To begin, check this clever little video. Oops.

lol.

The BBC reports that:

“Having dropped off his girlfriend at her house in Rio de Janeiro on Monday night, the 2002 World Cup winner picked up three prostitutes. When they all booked into a motel, the AC Milan striker discovered that the prostitutes were in fact men. According to Rio police, he alleges that the transvestites then tried to extort money from him. Local press reports quoted one of the prostitutes, Andreia Albertine - otherwise known as Andre Luiz Ribeiro Albertino - as saying that Ronaldo had threatened to hit him, on discovering that he was a transvestite.”

For Ronaldo, assuming his story is true, clearly you’re gonna be pissed when you pick some hoes up and you find out they’ve got larger cocks than you do under their skirt, there’s no doubt about it. But at the same time, we all have to realize this: Ronaldo is a footballer, i.e. he’s dumb as fucking nails (he’s a professional athlete after all, and footballers ain’t like american football players who at least pretend to study in college while they prepare for professional teams). Because of this, he’s probably going to be like Robbie Fowler when he realizes that, as he’s about to get laid, he’s about to fuck somebody with a dick.

But I of course don’t believe a word Ronaldo says — extort? It isn’t extortion when it’s the blatantly obvious thing to do. By this i mean: if I were a poor whore with a penis in Rio, I’d want to extort a rich motherfucker like Ronaldo too. After all, what’s more juicy than announcing you got hired by one of the best strikers of the past 20 years?
The biggest question of course, is, why the fuck are you trying to bang those Rio hoes when you have this at home? My point is this: don’t lie, Ronaldo — you wanted some of that Rio flavor. There’s no way you can look at the chick in the previous interview and say “Oh yeah, that’s one of those real female Rio prostitutes. Absolutely.” Of course, this doesn’t excuse Ronaldo from the fact that he could have just as easily enjoyed the Rio picks and did anal so we all make gay Ronaldo jokes but not think of his as a total douchebag like we do after this. The moral of the story, children? Be honest.

- Nathan