Too Slow for Catenaccio

            You have to wonder about the USMT 2008 schedule. First we play Spain, and now we play Cuba. I don’t know about you, but I think the Spanish-American War trifecta is in play. The USSF needs to schedule a game against the Philippines as soon as possible. Sunil Gulati, make it so!

            We’re all aware that the United States and Cuba have a bit of a, er, history. This history probably explains why the last US squad to play a game in Cuba played them in 1949, before the revolution, back when men were men, women were women, and everyone was oppressed. When most Americans think of Cuba that long ago, they tend to think of the Cuba portrayed in The Godfather: Part II. Rampant corruption, organized crime everywhere…aaah, those were the days. Of course, Cubans also remember that Cuba, which might explain why they decided to revolt in the first place. And, to be fair, judging from the Cubans forced out of power who emigrated to the U.S. it was the right decision. I mean, I wouldn’t want them running my country either. 

            Of course, the revolution took place in 1959, and since then nothing of interest has happened between the U.S. and Cuba, right? Well, okay, we did sort of try to assassinate Castro once or twice. Okay, okay, A few times. But what’s attempted assassination between friends? It’s not like they were successful, or anything, right. Oh, and the Bay of Pigs? Yeah, that happened too. Soviet IRBMs? Almost forgot about that one. But at least it’s gotten better. Despite the embargo (which has done a wonderful job of destabilizing Castro), there’s quite a lot of trade between the U.S. and Cuba. They send us pitchers and in exchange we send them (alleged) terrorists. 

            But the USMNT isn’t in Havana for tourism or trade (which is good, because those are both illegal under U.S. law). They’re there to play a game of soccer. Well, hopefully it’s soccer. Our last opponent, Guatemala didn’t get the memo about playing Association football instead of Rugby football, and the match was correspondingly ugly. Specifically, this match is the 2nd in our semifinal qualification group (the other teams in our group are Guatemala and Trinidad).

            This is one of those games that the U.S. should win, i.e. a CONCACAF game outside of Estadio Azteca. Cuba’s squad is not terribly impressive. To be fair, twelve of their players have defected in the past 6 years, but really, this team is awful. Their twenty-man squad has scored a grand total of 17 goals in international play (less than half of Landon Donovan’s tally), and not a single Cuban player is on a team outside of Cuba. This has all the makings of a typical CONCACAF cakewalk for the USMNT. 

            With that in mind, look for Bradley to give Brad Guzan at least a half in goal and there might even be a Marvell Wynne sighting in defense (but only if we’re up by at least 2…he’s quite awful at defense). As usual, the biggest questions are up front. It’s not that the MNT will have trouble scoring against Cuba, but of the four strikers the manager has on the roster, two of them, Deuce and Landon Donovan can’t seem to play well together. Hell, they really can’t even play striker all that well, being more suited for deeper play. The other two strikers on the squad are Brian Ching and Eddie Johnson, both known quantities. Ching is decent and Eddie Johnson blows hot and cold. It won’t be a problem here, but the MNT needs someone to step up and play forward. The Confederations Cup is coming up next year, and while playing Donovan and Dempsey out of position can work against Trinidad, it won’t against Brazil, Italy or Spain.  

Most of the world’s major leagues are off this weekend to accommodate this weekend’s, er, interesting schedule of international matches. Every confederation, except, apparently, OFC, has World Cup qualifiers this weekend. Some of the more interesting matches are previewed below: 

Saturday: 

UEFA World Cup Qualifying:

Turkey at Armenia. Saturday marks the first time a president of Turkey has ever visited Armenia, and the fact that the Armenian government even extended an invitation is big news. Basically, it boils down to three simple factors 1: Turks were responsible for a wee bit of genocide against the Armenians during World War I (although Kurds did much of the dirty work). 2: They never said: “sorry.” 3: Saying “sorry” is actually illegal in Turkey. There’s also a problem with access to Mt. Ararat, but to make a long story short, these countries don’t like each other. At all. Or at least the Armenians don’t like Turkey. Turkey’s a bit consumed with Kurd-hatred to worry about Armenia. Still, give thanks that the magical UEFA scheduling computer which gave us Poland-Germany in the Euros continues to provide us (and by “us,” I mean history majors) with fun-filled matchups.    

As for the game itself, it should be a blowout. This guy is Armenia’s best ever football player, and I don’t think he plays striker.

 Of course, he didn’t play quarterback either.     

CONCACAF World Cup Qualifying   

United States at Cuba. More on this in the next post.   

AFC World Cup Qualifying

Iran at Saudi Arabia. Pick your poison. Do you prefer your autocracy theocratic, Shiite and north of the Persian Gulf or plutocratic (not that Saudi Arabia is a hotbed of religious tolerance), Sunni and south of the Persian Gulf?  Either way, both approve of judicial amputation, hate Jews and oppress women!  So there’s really no wrong answer. Of interest is how exactly the Iranian team will be received. See, Shiites in Saudi Arabia aren’t really allowed to build mosques or celebrate religious holidays, or work in government. They’re almost certainly not allowed on the national team. As you might imagine, relations between the two nations are, uh, chilly. 

As far as the soccer goes, these teams are very similar. Both are what pass for major powers in the AFC and both stand a good chance of making the Cup and getting blown out in the group stage. On this occasion, you’ve got to give the edge to the Saudis, if only because they’re playing at home. 

Sunday 

CONMEBOL World Cup Qualifying

Brazil at Chile. Normally Brazil qualify for the World Cup with ease. CONMEBOL has 4.5 slots for qualification, and it is rare for Brazil to slip below 2nd. Apparently, this cycle is abnormal. CONMEBOL has a simple double round-robin league table format for qualification and after six matches, Brazil sits in 5th place with 9 points (2W-3D-1L).  By and large, Brazil has accumulated this less than stellar record against teams they normally crush: draws against Columbia and Peru, a loss to Paraguay. Brazil has generally looked toothless under manager Dunga’s bold strategy of “not using good players.” Dani Alves may be the best fullback in the world, but on Planet Dunga, he hardly merits a regular place in the squad. Of course, if Brazil’s form continues, Planet Dunga will be in a galaxy far, far away from the Seleção.

Their opponents are a stronger-than-usual Chile squad. Football Manager 2008 addicts players are familiar with the Villarreal Christ child, Matias Fernandez, but this team also boasts striker Humberto Suazo and Real Betis midfielder Mark Gonzalez. In other words, Chile can give Brazil one hell of a game, especially at home. The defense is not the world’s best, but then again, under Dunga, Brazil’s offense isn’t the world’s best either. 

NFL

Cardinals at 49ers.  Who’s pumped for the dawn of the J.T. O’Sullivan era? I know I am!

It’s official. Andriy Shevchenko has returned to A.C. Milan. I could say something coherent about how this affects the Milan offense, but there are real soccer websites for that. By far the best player the independent Ukraine has produced, Shevchenko is a man of many achievements: Serie A top scorer, Champions League and Scudetto winner, European player of the year, 60 million-dollar-man, Premier League white elephant and now, Rossoneri prodigal son. But there is one, lesser-known title we can hitch to the Ukrainian striker: Soccer’s Bo Jackson. Not this one…this one.

If you had walked into South during the 05/06 academic year, you would have heard two things in the common room most nights. One, overheard most often near important academic deadlines was: “You can’t do that in real life! What the hell happened to my defense?” The usual response was: “it’s just a game, Mr. Prime Minister, hand the controller to the next guy” (you either understand it, or you don’t. It’s a loooong story). When you heard the first bit, it could only mean one thing: someone had been Shevchenkoed.

For those of you who haven’t played it, Winning Eleven 9/ Pro Evolution 5 is one of the best soccer video games ever made. I could go on and on about it, but suffice it to say that it had the three most important attributes of a good soccer simulation: eurotrash techno music in the menus, player attributes provided by the folks behind Football Manager and most importantly, almost no actual licenses (there’s no rivalry like West Midlands Village vs. West Midlands City!). Standing head and shoulders above the rest of the game was Jan Koller A.C. Milan. Imagine a cannonball covered in razorblades, and you’re beginning to understand the pure, uncut awesome that was Milan.

Yes, the defense was impregnable (one especially creative person, who shall remain unnamed, nicknamed it “the Great Wall of Milan”), yes the midfield was nice, but one thing set Milan apart from other strong teams: Andriy Shevchenko. The team might have been a cannonball, but the digital Shevchenko was a buzzsaw leaving a trail of defenders in his wake. Long, short, one touch, mazy run, it didn’t matter. If Shevchenko had the ball in the opponents half with space, then it was a goal, no questions asked. With apologies to Steve Sabol and John Facenda, the real “Autumn Wind” is Andriy motherf*ing Shevchenko. Just like Tecmo Bo, there was no stopping Sheva. Sure, you could tell your entire defense to mark him, but then Inzaghi would score, and there’s nothing worse than seeing that no-talent scavenger score.

We all know what happened after that brief moment in the sun. Just like insufferable hipster scum say about Arrested Development, the A.C. Milan juggernaut was gone too soon. Sheva moved to the Premier League and sucked. A.C. Milan (despite their Champions League victory) has been less than stellar in Serie A and the Winning Eleven/Pro Evo series has descended into a Madden-like vortex of suck.

And now the man, the legend is back in the San Siro. He may  have been too slow for the Premier League, but he’s not too slow for catennacio.  The Serie A rest home for aging veterans has a new member, and he wants Alexandre Pato to stay off his damn pitch. Since Konami is too cheap to really change attributes around every year, there’s a good chance that Milan might be able to recapture the cannonball magic (on the screen. In real life, they’re, at best, the 4th strongest Serie A team). Whenever the new Pro Ev comes out in the States (last year, it came out in February), make sure you get to take a look. And if Milan is a shadow of its former, virtual self, say a brief prayer of thanksgiving, and beat the hell out of your friends. I know I will.

-Ryan

    As you might have gathered from earlier posts, I’m a wee bit of a San Francisco 49ers fan. Not only are the 49ers the only good thing about San Francisco (Why yes, I am from Oakland…how could you tell?), but they invented the West Coast Offense. How cool is that? I have a disturbing tendency to remember dates based on football games (i.e. “that wedding we went to the day Hearst broke that 97-yard run in overtime against the Jets”). When I was younger, I even skipped out on Sunday School classes that conflicted with home games (Have you seen Jesus hit Rice on the quick slant? Didn’t think so…He’s obviously busy with Notre Dame on fall weekends). Hell, the worst day of my life might be the 1st Sunday where I didn’t see them play.  (Week 1 of the 2005 season…not coincidentally my first week on campus).
Surprisingly enough, some people think I’ve got a problem. To which I reply, “hell yes! They haven’t won a Super Bowl since 1995!” In the end, the 49ers are a metaphor for life. There’s good (us), evil (the Cowboys), triumph (5 Super Bowls, the 1998 Wild Card game against the Packers), tragedy (losing to the Falcons, the Falcons, the very next week, blowing that lead against the Lions in the ‘57 playoffs), and even humor (Rod Woodson’s defending during his one year in the Red and Gold).  And just like any normal life, the 49ers have turned to shit around age 60.

But this is no ordinary funk. In the last eight years, the 49ers lost more games than they lost in between 1981 and 1998. For those of you who don’t follow the NFL, that’s a bad thing. Secondly, our quarterbacks have sucked, an unforgivable sin. Those of you from less blessed areas might not understand this, but to be quarterback of the 49ers is to stand on the shoulders of giants. Centerfield for the Yankees? Pffft. No. 10 for Brazil? Whatever. Penn State Linebacker? Eat my shorts. Romanian gymnast? Not really a sport. Canadiens forward? No one cares aboot hockey, you Quebecois bastards. Those of you unlucky enough to hail from somewhere other than the Bay Area might not understand this, but it is a truth nonetheless:  there is no position in team sports with a greater tradition of excellence than quarterback of the San Francisco 49ers.

It is like a list of Old Testament patriarchs (without, you know, the rape and genocide and stuff), a chain stretching almost unbroken to the founding of the franchise in the old AAFC: Frankie Albert begat Y.A. Tittle (who is totally more of a Niner than Giant…up yours East Coast Bias), who begat John Brodie, who begat Joe Montana, who begat Steve Young (if you need a link for either of the last two, you need to find another website to read), who begat Jeff Garcia, who begat J.T. O’Sullivan. Wait, what? Who? Doesn’t he write for the Atlantic Monthly? Well at least he’s a proven player, right? Oh shit. This can’t be happening.

J.T. O’Sullivan is our starting quarterback? What the hell is this? The Chicago Bears? We don’t expect greatness from our team but damnit, we do expect competent play under center. Is that really all that much to ask? It’s not like he’s some sort of diamond in the rough. No, he just sucks. There are dozens of quarterbacks better than him. After all,there’s a reason he’s thrown 26 passes in six seasons. He wasn’t stuck behind hall of famers…he was stuck behind John Kitna. There’s a chance that he’s some sort of hidden diamond in the rough, but to be frank, I wouldn’t trust the current ‘niners “brain-trust” to find talent at the Pro Bowl, and I certainly  wouldn’t trust them around sharp objects.  I get that he’s the only quarterback on the team that’s grasped Mike Martz’s gadget scheme  (short version: F**k it, I’m going deep), but if only one quarterback can understand the OC’s system, then the OC has pretty much failed at his job. When you’ve outsmarted the defense and your offense, you’re doing it wrong.

We’re in year six of rebuilding. By then, stuff should be rebuilt. There should be walls, and ceiling and things. Not necessarily wallpaper and tasteful bathroom fixtures, but you should know what the final shape looks like. We’re pretty much the Frauenkirche of the NFL at this point, but instead of the RAF, our team was razed by sheer incompetence. The team released Garcia after the 2003 season because he was washed up. Oh, right. The team drafted Alex Smith to save the franchise? I’d link to his stats, but then I’d have to gouge my eyes out with a ballpoint. Sure the defense is pretty good, but the offense is so bad that it’s made the defense bad, like some sort of Cardinals-like vortex of suck. Sure, they’re decent in points per possession, but when your offense goes 3 and out every drive, there’s a lot of possessions to defend.

Are we doomed to wander in the desert of 5-11 seasons looking for the next franchise quarterback (I just realized that the metaphor makes Alex Smith the golden calf…I like it!)? If that team on the other side of the Bay (well, actually the same side, from my perspective. I’m confused.) has a better quarterback than the 49ers…I think the world’s gonna end, or something. For almost my entire life, that’s been crazy talk, like the idea of the Arsenal losing to Fulham (no, no, the saying is “1-nil to the Arsenal” not “the Fulham”). Let this be a warning: if JaMarcus Russell has a better year than O’Sullivan (and he will), I can tell you the Bay Area forecast: frogs and locusts.

Is there hope? It’s August, there’s always hope. Where there be any hope left in two weeks? No. Your 2008 San Francisco 49ers: like donkeys led by…uh, donkeys.

After a raft of more useless than normal international friendlies, club soccer is back with a bang (or, in the case of the MLS a sad, pathetic, whimper). If you’re a gooner, far more important than any of the results this weekend is the mysterious central midfielder Wenger keeps promising to sign. Just like McCain and Obama’s veep picks, everyone has a prediction, but no one has an answer. Is it Gokhan Inler from Udinese? Xabi Alonso from Liverpool? Villa’s Gareth Barry? Some “16″ year old gymnast who’s never seen a soccer ball in their life? My prediction: Arsenal’s new midfielder will be Joe Biden and Obama’s running mate will be Miguel Veloso from Sporting Lisbon (or, you know, the other way ’round).

On to the games…

Games of note:

Saturday:

Russian Premier League:

Spartak at Dinamo. The unions take on the secret police (the original sponsors of Spartak and Dinamo) in this match, just one of thirty Moscow derbies on the Russian schedule at the Luzhinki, home of “plastic pitch” England’s finest couldn’t deal with in Euro quals. The match finds both teams a bit more than halfway through their fixture list (the Russian league ends very early to avoid winter weather. If Russian winters are too intense for Napoleon, they’re too intesnse for Arshavin) and in good position to capture one of Russia’s three European places. Dinamo sits in second, the last Champions League place, while Spartak is even with Akmar Perm for the only UEFA cup spot. Dinamo, 2-0.

Bundesliga.1:

Schalke at Werder Bremen.  Whoever wins this match will have the inside track on challenging Bayern until February, followed by a epic collapse down the stretch. For the American neutral, this match is a toughie to watch. On the one hand, Bremen’s Torsten Frings’s illicit handball inside the box kept the USMNT out of the semifinals of the 2002 World Cup. On the other hand, the US played the Czech Republic in the 2006 World Cup at Schalke’s home ground in Gelsenkirchen, and that brings back all sorts of bad memories (is it a problem if I see Jan Koller heading the ball in over Oguchi Onyewu in my nightmares every time I close my eyes?). The teams are somewhat evenly matched on paper, but this match is important, which means that Schalke’s ace striker, Kevin Kuranyi, will play like shit. Werder 2-1.

EPL:

Hull at Blackburn. Last week match’s against Fulham aside, we all know that Hull will be very hard-pressed to stay up. Despite their win at Everton, I can’t help but to feel that Blackburn is in similar, if not nearly as dire, straits. Come May, we might be looking on this early-season clash as a full-fledged relegation “six-pointer.” At any rate, tomorrow Blackburn should dispatch Hull. If they don’t, this could be a looooong season for the Rovers. Blackburn, 3-1.

SPL:

Rangers at Aberdeen. Aberdeen finished 4th in the SPL last season. Could this be the year that the “New Firm” (Aberdeen and Dundee)  challenges the Old Firm for silverware? No. Rangers, 4-2.

MLS:

San Jose at Chivas USA. It’s not the California Derby (San Jose v. Galaxy) and it’s not the Superclasico (Chivas v. Galaxy). The only leg of the MLS California triangle with no hatred involved (I mean, people in the Bay Area hate the real Chivas, but not its MLS stepchild), it’s also a match between the two worst teams in the league. Since both teams kinda suck, I figure the outcome will rest on other factors. Like this. The Earthquakes may suck, they may have an awful name. But we’ve got E-40, and that’s far more valuable than wins and losses. San Jose 3-2.

Sunday:

Russia:

Vladivostok at Saturn Moscow. Remember the old NFC West before the Houston Texans forced a NFL realignment? The division with teams from San Francisco, St. Louis, Atlanta, New Orleans and Charlotte? Well, Luch-Energiya Vladivostok laughs at the 49ers’ travel bill. Vladivostok is closer to Australia than it is to Moscow, and it’s not very close to Australia. For some reason, Vladivostok has a horrid record away from home this season. Saturn, 2-0.

Monday

EPL:

ManU at Portsmouth. After the asskicking handed to them by ¢h€£$€a, it should be interesting to see if Portsmouth can pick themselves up against a strong ManU team. ManU did beat them in the Community Shield recently, but someone should tell Fergie that penalty shootouts aren’t allowed in league play. Even without Ronaldo, the Devils are probably good enough to hold off Pompey, even in Fratton Park. ManU 3-1.

-Ryan

The Premiership is almost upon us. Since this is a soccer blog, it is incumbent upon us to have some sort of preview post because, damnit, that’s what soccer blogs do. However, a normal preview requires looking at transfers, and hell, even knowing something about all twenty teams and a lot of writing. Frankly, that sounds like too much work, and really, nobody cares what happens to Bolton. Instead I’ve compiled my completely useless predictions in this handy mock league table.

1. Man U (could finish between 1-3). Assuming everyone stays healthy, there’s no reason why last year’s champion’s can’t repeat.

2. Chelsea (1-3). Scolari was brought in to play an attractive style of soccer, but at this point, it’s doubtful that he has the personnel for it yet.

3. Arsenal (2-5). Assuming Wenger signs another midfielder, this young squad should push Chelsea and Man U to the wire. They could also self-destruct, but August is a time for happy thoughts.

4. Aston Villa (4-7). Martin O’Neil has built a talented young squad to his own specifications, and if all goes well, they’re more than capable of snatching a Champions League spot.

5. Liverpool (4-7). Liverpool is completely lacking in overall team quality. If either Gerrard or Torres has anything but a superlative season, they’re just not good enough to finish 4th.

6. Portsmouth (5-8). Pompey is excellent going forward, but an aging defense will keep them from rising higher than 5th.

7. Everton (5-8). The Toffees have finished 5th the last two seasons, but so far, they’ve stood pat in the transfer market, while their rivals have moved ahead.

8. Tottenham (6-9). Every year, Tottenham fans and the media claim that Spurs are poised to beat out one of the “big 4″ every year, they disappoint. On paper, Tottenham’s first choice team looks good, but the cupboard in defense is bare behind King and Woodgate, and neither have a chance of playing the entire season.

9. Man City (6-10). I would put Man City higher, but strange things keep happening to them in the offseason. Thaksin Shinawatra, the owner, apparently hired “magicians” to plant power crystals underneath the pitch early this offseason. To make matters worse, he and his wife are facing corruption trials in their native Thailand, and the lion’s share of Shinawatra’s forturne has been frozen in Thai banks pending the results. On the soccer side of things, team managment has been tring to sell Vedran Corluka, Stephen Ireland and Michael Johnson behind the manager’s back. Not exactly  a recipe for sucess.

10. West Ham (10). The Hammers are a perfectly average, nondescript team that managed to spend 3/4 of last season precisely in 10th place. I see no reason why they can’t keep it up.

11. Newcastle (9-12). Newcastle’s fans seem to think that the Magpies are a big club. They’re the only ones. As usual, Newcastle has the personnel to maybe challenge for a UEFA cup spot. As usual, Newcastle will produce 3 teams’ share of WTF defending, which will hold them back.

12. Middlesbrough (11-15).  This is really not a very good team, which speaks to the lack of depth in English soccer. In Spain or Italy, this squad would be mired in a relegation scrap, but in the Premier League, they’ll coast to safe mediocrity.

13. Wigan (11-15). See: Middlesbrough.

14. Sunderland (12-16). See: Wigan.

15. West Brom (18-14). The “Arsenal of the Championship” will find out tomorrow morning that they’re not the Arsenal of the Premiership. Even so, West Brom is more than good enough to stay up.

16. Blackburn (18-13). This might seem low for a squad that finished 7th last season. Since May, however, Blackburn has lost the manager responsible for their recent success, and, in Brad Friedel and David Bentley, two of their three best players. The third, Roque Santa Cruz, has been linked to at least half of the league, and is unlikely to stay past January.

17. USMNT Fulham (19-16). Fulham has made a habit out of last minute relegation escapes, and this year should be no deviation from the pattern. They are resilient, but they’re also not very good.

18. Bolton (20-17). Without Sam Allardyce, this team was completely rudderless last year. The only difference is that last year, they had half a season of Nicholas Anelka. Take a look at Bolton’s roster, and try to figure out who the hell will score the goals. Chances are, you’ll draw a blank.

19. Stoke (20-18). Thanks for participating in the 2008/9 Premier League season. Don’t forget to pick up your parachute check on the way back to the Championship.

20. Hull City (20-19). This is Hull’s first ever season in the top flight of English soccer. This is also Hull’s first relegation campaign in the top flight.

  No matter how strange the Premiership or La Liga or the Bundesliga, or even MLS seems, just remember that it can always get stranger, and it will always get worse in Serie A. They don’t have referee quality issues, they have match fixing scandals. They don’t have hooliganism issues, they have ultras and police officers killing each other and full-scale riots. And, as you’ll find out, the fans aren’t just whiny and demanding like Madridistas or the Kop, they’re positivley litigous.

It’s rough to be a Napoli fan. Your city sits underneath an active volcano. Your city is south of Rome, which means that the economy is in the toilet and that there’s a huge Mafia problem, sort of like 1920’s Chicago without Kevin Costner and Sean Connery to keep order. Only two months ago, there were 50,000 metric tons of uncollected garbage on the streets because of a dispute with the mafia-controlled garbage collection companies. To put that in perspective, you could make a pile of every piece of paper written about Brett Favre this summer and it wouldn’t weigh that much (although, it’d be close). To make matters worse, ultras from Northern clubs (i.e. the sucessful clubs) reserve a special hatred for you. Over the years, fans of northern teams have displayed banners at Napoli away matches with slogans like “Napoli, you’re all half-African” (hmmmm, sounds like there’s a job for those ultras with John McCain), “Sewer of Italy” and of course, the always-classy “Vesuvius, please do your duty.”

But fear not, Naples is fighting back. Not on the field, of course. Napoli kinda sucks these days and there’s not really enough money in Southern Italy to bankroll huge transfers.  Not that any player would want to go to a city that hasn’t, you know, mastered garbage collection. One intrepid Napoli supporter, however, has fought back in the only way he can: through the courts.

Yes, a Napoli fan sued Inter for “existential damage” stemming for abusive banners, and even Jean-Paul Sarte thinks that’s a load of crap. Surprisingly enough a judge actually bought his argument and issued a bold statement against Italian regional discriminition by awarding the plantiff the sum of…wait for it…1,500 Euros. Woooooooooooo! Fight the Power!… From Naples, because that won’t even bankroll another trip up to the San Siro for more abuse.

-Ryan

By now, I’m sure that we all recognize who this is:

That’s Andrei Arshavin, Nathan’s mancrush and the summer’s most overrated performer this side of Heath Ledger’s Joker. You also probably know what shirt he’s holding: Barcelona’s new home kit. What you probably don’t know is that strange symbol on his jacket. That’s the crest of Zenit St. Petersburg…the club Arshavin plays for. You might wonder why he’s holding that jersey. Hell, you might even be wondering where he got that jersey. After all, he plays in Russia, for a team that might meet Barcelona in this year’s Champions League, and his club just rejected a transfer offer for him from Barcelona. A reasonable person can be forgiven for thinking that this is some sort of bizarre “tapping up”(British for “screwing with players that don’t belong to you”).

Fear not. This picture was merely on the front page of Sport, a Catalan sports daily, not the Barcelona website. Unlike the American sports media, which pretends to pride itself on objectivity (unless Brett Favre is involved…his musk enraptures sportswriters), the Spanish media concerns itself with fellating the local club. After all, journalistic integrity doesn’t matter when you’re writing about the local side, right? In practice, this means that sports magazines and newspapers tend to be auxiliary branches of a club’s pr department. Well, as long as the club is named Real Madrid or Barcelona. Real Madrid has As, Marca and a host of other papers, and Barcelona has Sport.

Which brings us to the question posed earlier: what the hell is Arshavin doing with that jersey? It’s simple. Sport flew a reporter and photographer from Barcelona to St. Petersburg in order to interview a Zenit player on his love of Barcelona and desire to come there. Indeed, the headline of the article translates as “Arshavin: ‘Call Me, Barca.’”  Let’s go over that again. Barcelona’s propaganda mouthpiece/ sports newspaper photographed another team’s player holding up a Barcelona jersey and fed him questions about how much he wanted to play for Barcelona after his team rejected Barcelona’s bid for him. This sort of thing happens every time a player is linked with Barca (or Madrid, in other papers): a player is interviewed about how much he wants to come to Barca/Madrid, before a bid has come in or right after one has been rejected. It’s almost as if the clubs order these papers to unsettle players. Because, you know, actually tampering with an opponent’s player can theoretically get you slapped with a hefty fine (don’t worry, Michel Platini is much more interested in egineering a Champions League group berth for the champions of Latvia). Much easier, to get the local media to do it for you. A few years back, Real Madrid gave every Real beat writer a shiny new bike, free of charge, but I’m sure that has nothing to do with Spain’s pathetic “journalism.”

-Ryan

Last week, FIFA chief Sepp Blatter said “there’s too much modern slavery” in soccer, and he has a point. While the situation has been somewhat improved, “talent scouts” still sell African players into restrictive, laughably low-wage contracts at unscrupulous European clubs… Oh, he’s talking about Christiano Ronaldo. I see. Just go ahead and ignore the previous few sentences.

I understand that the liberal establishment has given folks my age a biased view of our Civil War, but  slavery had something to do with it, right?. Correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think soccer was involved in the slavery issue. Perhaps Frederick Douglass really, really wanted a move to Inter Milan, but if he did, it doesn’t show up anywhere in his writings. I don’t recall the Bosman ruling coming up at Appomattox, although Grant was a fierce champion of unrestricted alcohol sales at soccer matches. Comparing the plight of Christiano Ronaldo (who makes about $240,000 a week) to, you know, slavery is, besides incorrect, just a tad bit insensitive.

Let’s forget for a moment that Blatter was injecting himself into a transfer saga between two club teams (a spat that’s at least two levels of bureaucracy below Blatter). Let’s forget that Blatter, as FIFA president, has no business taking sides in this sort of thing. Let’s even forget that Blatter’s tenure makes Bud Selig look like Judge Landis when it comes to running a sport. Even setting all of those things aside, Whiskey Tango Foxtrot?

It would be understandable if he compared the current transfer structure to indentured servitude (which is somewhat close to the truth, but not in a prejorative way), or something like that, but dragging out the rhetorical howitzer is, in this case, as appropriate as a Hampshire student calling President Bush a brownshirt. You know what reminds me of slavery? Actual slavery, and that’s about it.

On a side note, I’ve had it up to here (you’ll just have to imagine the hand gesture) with the Ronaldo transfer saga.  For the past two months, we’ve been in the same place. ManU doesn’t want to sell, Real wants to wildly overpay for a player who will regress after joining Madrid (everyone regresses after joining Real, thanks to the ridiculous pressure. If you think the New York sports media is bad, take a look at Madrid’s) and doesn’t really fit into their scheme (at ManU, Ronaldo, Tevez and Rooney were pretty much interchangable at the top of the formation, and made on-the-fly adjustments throughout the game. Real already has a striker in Nistelrooy, and with Robben, Robinho, Raul and Sneijder, lack the flexibility to slot Ronaldo in as anything but a traditional winger). I don’t want to hear a word about this transfer until it gets done, or Sept. 1 passes without a deal. “Will he, or won’t he” is perfectly fine for middle school gossip, but surely there’s something else to report on. Like whether or not FIFA’s bylaws allow impeachment.

If you follow English soccer, this might be the funniest article ever written.  When I first saw it, I couldn’t believe my eyes: Peter Kenyon expects a player to honor his contract?!? That’s like George Steinbrenner demanding a salary cap or Barack Obama backtracking on telecom immunity (oh, right). Read the headline of that article again, savor it, embrace it. “Peter Keynon expects Lampard to honour Chel$ea Contract.” Delicious.

If you don’t know, Peter Kenyon is the man responsible for this. It’s a good summary, but it doesn’t quite do the situation justice. The chief executive of Chelski called Ashley Cole’s cellphone out of the blue and set up a meeting to offer him a contract. A week before a Champions League knockout match. In the middle of the season. While the player had two+ years left on his Arsenal contract.  Then demanded that Arsenal lower their asking price. So, you understand why I find the current situation rather risible, and proof that there is a God.

Chelsea, of all clubs, complaining about honoring contracts is, pardon my French, absolute fucking bullshit. The same Chelsea that does their best to tap-up any players they might be interested in, the same Chelsea that buys the best players from mid-table sides, to ensure that they put up less of a fight in league games, the same Chelsea that announces hiring a coach while that coach is in the knockout stages of a major tournament, that Chelsea is complaining that Inter Milan is tampering with their players. I’m the last person who would say that a club with no history shouldn’t be allowed success, but there’s something to be said for a tradition of winning, and the classy attitude that results. Arsenal, Man U, (until recently) Liverpool, even Celtic and Rangers have a certain amount of class about them. Chelsea has about as much class as Russell Crowe at a  NASCAR race.

This is one of those Hosea 8:7 moments: Chelsea certainly did “sow the wind,” so “reap the whirlwind” and stop complaining.

-Ryan