inacht10

Madison, WI - Thanks to one man’s disregard for proper toothpaste tube usage, an army of leftover toothpaste has seized control of Green Bay and several nearby towns in Wisconsin, according to the White House press secretary.

“He didn’t squeeze from the bottom,” the secretary said.  “The accumulation of leftover toothpaste is estimated to be at least 10% of the original bottle - a dangerous amount by any measure.  Thanks, Greg.”

The attack took place over a few hours last night.  Armed with only fluoride and whitening strips, the Aquafresh Ultimate White entered Green Bay from the shores of Lake Michigan to the North.  The paste marched straight to city hall, mercilessly murdering scores of civilians and policemen along the way.  Police and army firepower was no match for the remainder household product, as it had acquired extreme survival skills clinging to the walls of its tube for years.

“There’s just nothing we can do about it,” local police chief Andrew Lustig declared.  “Well, except not be a jerk and buy a toothpaste tube clamp like the rest of us.
Good job, Greg.”

Once inside city hall, the toothpaste read its demands over a loudspeaker.  “Do not swallow.  Use only a pea-sized amount for children under six.”  Appealing to its “lost brothers and sisters,” the toothpaste also demanded that people not backwash into mouthwash bottles, change toothbrushes every 2-3 months and floss regularly.

“Our new government will be a fair and just one.  Embrace it.  Oh, except for Greg.  He’s fucked.”

It is believed that no foreign toothpaste took place in the attack, according to the Greg’s-Flicked-Booger-Pile People’s Republic of Mexico’s foreign adviser.

The Pentagon urged people to squeeze from the bottom and to keep weapons away from their dental floss.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/7730018.stm

That’s the coolest thing I’ve ever heard, ever.

“Chess is as much a mystery as women”
(Purdy)

I disagree, however, as I find chess quite difficult.

Last night, the impossible occurred: for a few brief hours, my cynicism disappeared.  As Obama took state after state, I actually felt a sense of awe and pride.  The fact that a grassroots movement actually worked on this scale, the largest one imaginable, to elect the President of the United States of America was profound and moving to even the most cynical, skeptical redheaded ‘10 philosophy majors living in Moore 204 (there goes winning Assasins…).  Although I supported Obama over McCain, it had nothing to do with his charisma, personality, or charm.  As such, the Obamarama sweeping the nation never really hit me.  Last night, however, the phrase “Yes we can” finally struck a chord - I no longer saw it as a mere catchphrase.  For millions of people, it represented their agency, pride, and way of life.  I was so touched, I’m thinking of pressing charges.